We were your Sons and Daughters. We were your Primary Teachers and the Deacons that passed the Sacrament every Sunday. We were your Husbands and Wives. We were your Brothers and Sisters. We were the people that you cared about, and we cared about you. We were your Friends.
Now something has changed. There is a slight hesitation when you acknowledge our presence in the room. Our conversations aren’t as friendly as they used to be. You chose not to invite us over for dinner for the first time in many years. For some of us, our families have disowned us. We are the same people we were before, but now we’re treated so differently.
It is often said that we left the LDS church because we were offended or that we couldn’t endure and that we wanted to sin. The only way we could leave the church was to create excuses for ourselves. You might ask us, “What made you leave the church? Polygamy? The Word of Wisdom?” as though we only left because Mormons don’t drink alcohol or because the LDS church is infamous for polygamy during its early history. Most of us would agree that to leave the church just because of one of those things would seem rather silly, but that’s not the case. We didn’t leave because we were offended or wanted to sin or because we disagreed on one small matter. We left because there are very many legitimate concerns that contradict what we once knew and testified about in church and on our missions.
For most of us, deciding to leave the church took a long time. Most of us spent many hours or days examining independent studies as well as LDS resources. What we found contradicted what we knew about the LDS church. We wanted the church to be true. We wanted that more than anything in the world. We wanted to know that our families would be together for eternity.
However, sincerity or desire does not determine truth. Either the LDS church is true or it is false. As First Presidency member J. Reuben Clark said:
“If we have the truth, it cannot be harmed by investigation. If we have not the truth, it ought to be harmed.” (J. Reuben Clark: The Church Years. Provo, D. Michael Quinn, Utah: Brigham Young University Press, 1983, p. 24)
I believe that most ex-Mormons left because we value integrity and, after many days researching the history and the changes to doctrine since the church’s creation, it becomes evident that LDS leaders do not place the same value on integrity and honesty.
When interviewing a prospective member of Brigham Young University (BYU)’s faculty in 1976, Apostle Boyd K. Packer explained:
“I have a hard time with historians because they idolize the truth. The truth is not uplifting: it destroys… Historians should tell only that part of the truth that is inspiring and uplifting.” (Apostle Boyd K. Packer, as related in “Pillars of My Faith,” talk delivered at Sunstone Symposium, 19 August 1994, Source)
Can you imagine if the Holocaust, the slave trade, or the attacks on 9/11 were sugar-coated or weren’t taught in schools because they give us bad feelings? Just because those events in history make us uncomfortable doesn’t mean they are any less true. Do you think that, if given the opportunity, the LDS church would hide the truth or unsavory facts of its history or organization? Consider the following quote from Boyd K. Packer in a 1981 speech to educators in the LDS Church Educational System:
“There is a temptation for the writer or teacher of Church history to want to tell everything, whether it is worthy or faith promoting or not. Some things that are true are not very useful.” (Apostle Boyd K. Packer, CES Symposium on the Doctrine and Covenants and Church History, 22 August 1981, Source)
If the LDS church omitted key events in its history and was not what it claimed to be, would you want to know? This is the question we asked ourselves. Our integrity told us that we would want to know if the LDS church had lied about its history or how the organization runs, and it took humility to admit that we were wrong about most of what we previously believed. To us, we can’t just be told what to believe. We have to know that whatever we believe is true and that we believe in it for the right reasons. We yearn for knowledge, we’re constantly learning, and we strive to view the world without bias.
Contrary to what church leaders say about ex-Mormons, our new perspective of the LDS church is not the result of pride — it comes from humility. When an honest man discovers he is mistaken, he will either cease being mistaken, or cease being honest. Pride didn’t make us leave the church, it kept us in it. We’ve fought against our pride, and we are better people because of that.
Regardless of what you may think of us and the opinions we have, we are still your relatives, your children, and your spouses. We still care about you. We’re still your Friends.
Featured image courtesy of ldsarchitecture.wordpress.com
Millennial ExMormon 
Very well said. Thank you.
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Describes it exactly. And I’m not afraid to use my real name.
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Thanks for taking the time to write this, it echoes the thoughts and emotions of me and my family. We have been through a tough time, and like to think that we have come to value truth, and integrity. We just continue to be baffled that those values are so far from the church we were raised in and served in. I think the hardest part is how the church professes to be the standard bearer of truth, yet simple research reveals much deception.
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This does not look like a picture of a Mormon Church, They have a choir loft, in the back, as well as what appear to be crosses in the stained glass windows.
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This is a picture of the Parowan 3rd Ward Chapel courtesy of ldsarchitecture.wordpress.com
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HOLY CRAP!!! I knew I recognized that chapel. My grandpa (and great grandpa) are Parowan natives. I’ve spent several Sundays each summer in that place. Thanks for the memories!!
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Very well written. I first came across the quotes from Packer about 10 years ago. When I read those quotes is when I finally realized that the church had been lying to us all about the history and how they justified the lying. If the truth is not “uplifting” or “faith promoting” then is it ok to lie. The church would fail the temple recommend interview question of “Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?”
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Thank you for sharing.
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Even though we were very specific explaining that we did not want to leave, our family was threatened by the church, upon sending in our resignation letters, that this would completely disconnect us from all eternal blessings if we remained unrepentant, which there wasn’t anything to repent of. We started to see a pattern with things that we had been taught to believe…we were being fed scare tactics and fear mongering. We met with a General Authority, who knows all these cover-ups, and he himself congratulated us for our authenticity, and sincerity. He told us that whether we stayed or left, we were going to be just fine. He confirmed that we weren’t just discovering lies, but indeed cover-ups, and a faith promoting version put forth instead. After getting down to the bottom of it, we didn’t know how to possibly build a testimony or have faith in something that looked nothing like what we had previously thought the truth was. Our testimonies were built largely on a series of lies and cover-ups.
We left because we discovered that we had a much higher standard when it came to truth, integrity, faith, courage, honesty, tolerance, individual agency, and real love. We finally had learned the difference between reassuring ourselves that what we believe is truth (Confirmation bias), versus, making our best, honest, open, and objective attempt to find out, and be willing to accept what is actually true (Truth is the standard). Pointing the finger of blame at the honest seeker of truth is causing real harm to real people, and it must stop. Onward and Upward!
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This was comforting to me to read. Just this last week, two different women came to me to tell me I had been one of their favorite teachers, one in Sunday School, the other on Young Women’s. It shook me up a little to be reminded that I had been a part of the brainwashing and propaganda engraining army of “called by inspiration” “volunteers.” My only hope is that someday they will come to know and accept the historical history of the church rather than the one I taught them so long ago.
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Beautiful.
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Thanks for sharing! Def spot on.
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Well said and beautifully written! What a great read this is. Thank you for sharing!
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I am a Generation X member, and I think your writing speaks for a lot of us as well. When it finally hit me it was all false, I took it as quite a blow. I find it to be smug and irritating when a TBM wonders what sin I have committed that has caused me to leave.
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Having left in l970 after being raised in the church in Orem-Provo, I followed a long, arduous, and solitary path. Please go to Youtube and listen to my story. Edy Meredith Testimony
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Sounds like my story right now https://gospelfullness.wordpress.com/2015/02/10/my-journey/
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So well said. I fought myself for months trying to prove the church true and hoping Joseph really was a prophet…didn’t work. Every historical and doctrinal belief of Mormonism fell apart. Biblical scriptures took on new, contextual meanings. I’m still surprised at my journey after four years, but I know now what Jesus did for me that I could not do for myself. Jesus isn’t our helper or just my example or my elder brother, he is my Savior!
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I love this!!!!!! It is so true.. I love the part about the awkward hesitation when we enter a room. LDS simply do not know how to respond to someone who was once an active member but now an ExMormon. We’ve been told they don’t want to be our friends because we have hurt them by saying unsavory truths about their beloved religion.
The LDS have much more comfortable interactions with non-members or inactive members because their faith is not put on the chopping block by these people. Jesus is my Savior and I am not ashamed of the Gospel for it is the power of God unto salvation!! Whom the son sets free is free indeed!!!
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We are the people that has the most integrity even if we conbine the whole world together, know this fact i know this church is the church of christ by the power of the Holy spirit and God is my witness its his church i know and i know he knows it. We live in a modern times, i know doctrines and principals are the same they never change. We are a church of revelation, God guides this church according to the needs of this wicked world. We are the only church that has the whole body of Christ as in unity and faith, and no men nor power can destroy this church for it is the kindom God preparatory for the second coming of Christ. We all come to an end and our lifes will come to pass and be more, but we will cross the other side and we will know whats the truth and to those that fall or has not join te church will know then, that te church of Jesus christ of latter day saints it is trully the kindom of God, but bless be God for you are not lost but will receive mercy from him that loves you. I worship the God of Jacod or as call the father of Christ. I have come to know the truth of God by his power, and i stand as witness of the truth for it is not the will of men but the will of God and bless be him that believe in christ and repents and its baptize into this church for he will receive all the promises in Christ and if he endures to the end he will receive eternal life.
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